SPACE FORCE (TM)
TRUMP: (V.O.) “THIS WEEK… ON SPACE FORCE..”
TRUMP: (V.O.) “Space. Without it, we’d be screwed.”
“We have ventured bravely -very bravely – into Space, to seek out new worlds , (avoiding the shit-hole ones) , and build new exciting golf courses on them. Space is really big, in fact, not everyone knows this, but you ask people – and I have- people, very smart people, have called me and they’ve said, ‘Mr President, this space thing is huge.’ And I said, ‘I know.’ Because I’m smart. I had an uncle, he told me – he was, you know, he knew all about the nuclear – and those bombs , when they go off – you really know about it. You may not know that, but it’s true. I’m just saying.”
DON JR: “Will the aliens try to take Space away from us, dad?”
TRUMP: “The ILLEGAL aliens, Donnie? They’re always trying to take our space. As long as there are ILLEGAL aliens, space will always need protecting. Don’t worry Donnie. That’s why I set up Space Force(TM), a subsidiary of Trump Hotels. To keep you and Donnie the 2nd… ”
ERIC: “I’m Eric”
TRUMP: “..safe from foolish liberals. And dogs. Never liked dogs. You ever seen me in a photo with a dog? No, and you never will. And there has never been a dog in space. That’s smart.”
DON JR: What is a Liberal anyways?
TRUMP: Oh, a Liberal is a foul beast. They want to enslave us all. Turn us all into muslims and take away all our rights.
ERIC: But…isn’t that the opposite of what the word actually means?
TRUMP: Oh Baron….
TRUMP: …Words don’t have meaning !
Why do you keep saying that word?
ERIC: What word – ‘Eric’? That’s.. That’s my name.
TRUMP: Don’t be ridiculous. If you were mine I’d have named you ‘Donald’ or something expensive sounding like ‘Ivanka’ . Why would anyone call their kid ‘Eric’? I mean, really, what a ‘loser’ name! Am I right? So SAAAD!
FX: [Swish of Sliding Door]
[ENTER WHITEHOUSE AIDE, VISIBLY PANICKED]
AIDE: Mr President Sir, Mr Bannon has opened some kind of portal into Hell..
TRUMP: Do we have any hotels there?
DON JR: I… I don’t think so..
TRUMP: We should look into that. We could do them a great deal. I’m just saying.
AIDE: Sir, there are literally hordes of demons emerging from the rift..
TRUMP: Very fine people.
AIDE: Sir…? They’re …They’re tearing apart the fabric of space and time.. I don’t .. I don’t think..
TRUMP: I’m just saying – there are very fine people on both sides. I mean, I don’t know – you tell me.
FX: [Alarms begin to sound]
TRUMP: What is that – is that lunch? Good, I think I’ve worked up an appetite. I’ll be on the Golf Deck.
[TRUMP EXITS VIA THE TURBOLIFT]
GRAMS: PRESIDENTIAL THEME MUSIC